Geezer McOld

I'm so old.

When I got home today, I had the same sensation I used to get being at Grandma's. It feels like home, but I still feel like a guest.

I go through a process of discovery every time I get back from school. I have a couple shoe boxes full of stuff in my closet and around my room with little things that I've forgotten about after being away for so long. It's like there's little presents all over just waiting to be remembered.

My favorite box is the one full of junk. Nostalgic junk. Like the tennis ball I used in the match against that girl that mooned my team when she lost. Or the atta-girls from camp that I got as a CIT. Or the jump rope I used during recess in elementary school. And a whole bunch of other stuff.

But what really got me was a picture in there of me. It was taken at camp when I was probably 14, maybe 15. My hair was a lot blonder, I was a little tanner, and I was really happy. I remember that period of my life, and I remember how happy I was with myself. I was getting really good grades in school. My home life was good. I really thought I was beautiful.

But I think what's weirdest of all is that I really appreciate how that part of my life is over. That girl in the picture? We're really not that different. I am really happy with myself right now. Everything I just said describes me now. But she's not me, and I'm not her. I felt like I was more looking at an old friend in that picture than I was looking at myself.

When I come home, I get reacquainted with myself, and I gain a lot of perspective on where I really am in life. It's so easy to forget when I'm three hours away and spending all my time focused on my future. But when I come home Siri is still here to greet me with purrs and my room is still the same it was when I left all those months before.

I'll go back to school in a couple days for RA training, get back to obsessing over the future and where I'm going, but for now I'm going to re-visit my childhood.

But Really all I've Ever Wanted to Be Was a Super Hero

My fall is looking pretty busy. I've agreed to be an RA full-time (this happened just today. I was only offered the job a week ago. It's been a whirlwind of a week). I'm going to be a Supervisor at RenXChange for the first time. Also class. And maintaining friendships. Diabetes. Don't forget diabetes.

But despite all this work, I'm really excited. I'm so excited. I really think I'm going to do a good job at everything. I'm confident in my ability to excel at exactly what I've signed up for. My obligations don't sound like chores; they sound like fun that I'm getting paid to do. How awesome is that?

In high school I was busy, too. I had a lot of officer positions: French Honor Society, National Honor Society, Math club. While it was a great starting point to learn how to take charge and lead, I didn't really get anything out of it. I was really just filling up my schedule and putting things on my resume in a kind of soulless sort of way. In hindsight, it's really not surprising that I didn't get in to the "Ivy League" schools. Ivy League schools want people who are passionate about something. People who have picked a cause and raised money for it. People who have started a business and cultivated their entrepreneurial spirit. People who have mastered their talents and obsessed over them to the point of perfection. I didn't have passions like that in high school. That's not a bad thing, or really unsurprising, it's difficult to find something that quickly. I just hadn't found something that was truly that important to me yet. I was forcing myself to do things that sounded like a good idea but at the end of the day were just sucking up my time. It was aimless wandering.

Now I'm finally getting somewhere. I'm letting myself do things that actually sound fun. I'm filling up my time with things that are worthwhile and enjoyable to me. Really, that seems to be the key. The more I do things that get me good experience AND are fun, the closer I get to figuring out what I want and should do with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about my life. I definitely ended up at the perfect school for me, and in hindsight, if I would change anything, I'd apply to less Ivy League-like schools and more schools like RPI. I didn't know what my passions were, yet, but RPI has given me the right opportunities to find them, if only by showing me the kind of people I truly enjoy spending my time around.

I'm figuring out my life. Slowly. But being excited about so many commitments is a huge step in maturity for me. It's hard to overcome the incessant "but all I want to do is STUMBLEUPOOOOONNNNN" voice in my head.

So go ahead and put a little gold star on my chart for me. I'm excited about the person I'm becoming.

I Don't Like Twilight, But I Will Defend Your Right to Like it to the Death!

I don't like it when people try to make me feel bad for liking certain things. I experience this frequently, so it's a really sore point. Yes, I like: Harry Potter, Battlestar Galactica, pop music, Spongebob Squarepants, and Pokemon. The real kicker is that these are things I've been made fun of for in the past, but I could probably be made fun of for liking ANYTHING. Zelda. Mean Girls. Glee. Jonas Brothers (I've gotta support my diabetic brethren).

It's why I'm careful about how I criticize Twilight. Some people like it and that's okay. I'm not crazy about it, but that doesn't mean EVERYONE has to dislike it. What I don't like is the girls who get obsessed about it, viewing the relationship as something they have to have, but that's for a different post.

I mean really, though, what is this, Junior High? Everyone who wears Abercrombie and Fitch is a prep, everyone who likes Simple Plan is a punk or a poser? So someone likes something you don't, why do you have to go and make them feel shitty about it? Someone's different than you: GO PICK ON THEM. Fantastic.

Newsflash: 1950's are over. We can have differently colored houses and everything now!

Sure people do this in jest, but it doesn't hide the fact that I'm different and now I'm paying the price. I like Battlestar Galactica and yes, dammit, I was pissed at the ending. I get it Losties. I didn't like Lost, but you did and that's okay. We can mope about our series' mutual shitty endings together.

And if all you watch on TV is Keeping up with the Kardashians then that's okay because I can understand enjoying laughing at rich people! THEY'RE FUNNY. Maybe you just like Soap Operas. THAT'S OKAY TOO. Drama is entertaining.

Something everybody should have learned in kindergarten: some people are different than you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Instead of making everyone feel shitty for it, let's just grab a beer and enjoy each other's diverse company.

Okay, probably didn't grab beers in kindergarten. Change that to juice box.