Coming Out Is Scary, and Not For the Reasons You Think

I've mentioned before that I consider myself a feminist, though I'm often afraid to say it. Not because I think people will assume I'm a "femi-nazi." I mean really, if people want to accuse me of being angry because I want the genders to be equal then they have their own psychological issues to work out. The term "femi-nazi" doesn't scare me in the slightest. I know who I am, I know I am more than capable of having civilized discussions, to the point where if the argument is not civilized it's more than likely not because of me.

No, the reason I don't like saying it is because there always seems to be another feminist out there ready to jump out and tell me all the reasons I'm not a feminist.

For starters, while my career is important and I consider myself ambitious, when I'm honest with myself, in 10 years my family will be the most important thing to me. The people in my life will be the most important aspect of my life. My potential husband, my friends, my parents. I could claim that in 10 years I'll be climbing some sort of corporate ladder, and maybe that will be true, but when push comes to shove it's not going to be my priority.

That doesn't sound particularly anti-feminist to me, though. It doesn't sound like I'm playing in to the patriarchal plan for our society. I mean, I guess maybe I am, I guess a sexist person would say a woman should only think about her family and husband, but I don't think that way because of male forces in my life. I think that way because it's what's important to me and I'm trying to make myself happy.

And honestly, I don't want to end up with a man who prioritizes his career. I want to be with a man who puts as much of an emphasis on family and relationships as I do. That wouldn't make him any less of a man any more than it makes me less of a feminist.

I think the defining emphasis for feminism is choice (and no, dear god, I am not, and will never, get in to the abortion topic here. That is not where this is going. Waaaaay too heavy for me). It does not bother me that there are women out there who don't go to college, don't become engineers, and don't go on to break the glass ceiling. What bothers me is that there are women out there who make that decision without realizing what all their options are. They choose that path because they don't know they don't have to.

I know what I can accomplish. I know full well that if I want to I could probably do a hell of a lot of things. It would be harder for me as a woman because, despite what you may think, there are still lots of people out there who think my sole purpose is as a uterus. There are people who think I don't deserve the same kind of pay as a man due to my mere potential to produce children. There are people out there who really don't think women can be engineers. Despite all those people, I know I could accomplish a lot. I just don't want to make those kinds of accomplishments.

I could look at the big picture and think it's my duty to and force myself to go on and break boundaries with my female peers from RPI. But if that doesn't make me happy, why should I? Didn't I just talk about this in the last post? Growing up is about figuring out what makes me happy, and not forcing myself to be unhappy for other people and outside forces. No matter how important feminism is, my individuality will always be more so.

Stop Making it Something That it's Not.

I'm sure you've all seen some variation of this quote, be it a facebook version or otherwise. This particular quote irritated me with the final, "That shut her up."

Quick lesson: rephrasing the problem in a way that seems witty and funny does not negate the problem or make the person who points it out less correct. You didn't shut her up, you proved her point by showing how insensitive you are to the issue.

"Stop being a shitty lock."

I would like to quarrel with the idea that women are supposed to be locks, that virginity is something that needs to be locked up and protected. This isn't the middle ages, a woman is not worth more if she hasn't had sex. Being a virgin does not make someone more moral, or "pure," or better than other people. It just means she hasn't had sex.

Funny how you could have just looked that up in Webster's.

If a woman does not want to have sex with a man, it's not because she is keeping herself locked up. She has not "maintained" her virtue, she has not won the age-old battle of men versus women. She has simply decided that she does not want to engage in sex with this man. Maybe it's because she doesn't have a condom and does not want to risk STDs. Maybe it's because she has to get up for work the next day. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to have sex with men she is not in love with. Maybe she's just genuinely not attracted to him.

Regardles of the reason, viewing her as the victor is unhealthy. Now the man leaves dejected, emasculated and less of a man. See how this depiction is starting to look unfavorable for BOTH parties involved?

If the woman did want to have sex, she did not lose her virtue or become a slut. Consenting parties both get to have fun and feel good. What's so bad about that?

Also, this completely ignores the possibility of a woman seeking out a man for sex. A man can say no and still be a man, and a woman can ask for sex without being a slut.

We expect everyone to fit into this incredibly small and constricting boxes of "gender" that leaves a surprisingly large amount of people out. That's not good for anyone, even the people who somehow manage to attain those ridiculous standards.

Sex isn't a game. No lock, no key, just two people of equal worth and value having a healthy and enjoyable time.

In the words of the atheist bus ads, "Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

This is What Happens Whenever I Watch TV

Erik is a huge fan of Bones, and I don't mind it, so every once in awhile I end up watching an episode or two. I have to say, I got really sick of the forensic science shows about halfway through the first season of CSI, but Bones manages to keep things interesting for the most part. Once you get over the fact that most of this is probably stretched, hoaky science that has been morphed and battered to fit into the framework of television, it's pretty good!

What I like most about it is the main character is a very intelligent, pretty, atheist woman. She has flaws, but they're appropriate. She's a little socially awkward, but not painfully so. She's very blunt, but does have capacity for empathy. It's great that the character never feels forced, and is never the butt of the jokes.

How great is it that we have a woman being portrayed in this way on television and no one is making a huge deal about it? This is apparently, for a lot of people, very normal. As a girl/woman (cue Britney Spears song here) at an engineering school that is 25% female, I find this encouraging. I'm all about girls choosing to do whatever it is they want to do, and if all girls truly wanted nothing more than to stay at home, cooking and raising children, I wouldn't care. I just want girls to know what all of their options are before making those decisions, and a character like Bones can show girls that they can be the calculating, logical scientist just as much as any man can.

Admittedly, I'm more surprised that no one gets all uppity about her being an atheist. You'd think with all the confusion about what an atheist is, and how people very rarely even acknowledge their existence, a character like this on mainstream television would be almost impossible. Maybe this means people aren't so terrified of the idea of an atheist anmore?

A particularly interesting vehicle of the story is that her counterpart is religious. They never "convert" each other, they talk about each other's religious beliefs, and they're still friends. Look! You don't even have to agree about the existence of god to get along! How novel! Bones is probably the best advertising for atheism and skeptical thinking there has ever been.

And they never show her eating babies either. So that's cool, too, I guess.